Following my brain injury, I lost my confidence. Nothing in particular caused this but I had an overall sense of feeling unsure about myself and my purpose. I wasn't sure who I was anymore nor who I was supposed to be.
Some days I convinced myself that I was less of a man than I used to be. I wasn't working to provide for my family. I had found a large portion of my identity in doctoring, but I no longer had that. Now that I wasn't working, I had more time to devote to my wife and children, which should have been a great thing. But because of lost traits, skills, and attributes, I didn't feel like I was the husband or father I once was or should be. I had poor social skills. I wasn't sure of what to do or what to say in ordinary, everyday situations, the same ones I used to feel comfortable and handle myself well in.
There were days I didn't like being around other people because I was convinced they were making assumptions about me and my condition. I just "knew" they were thinking I'd made a full recovery and I was "faking" my problems for attention, sympathy, or secondary gain (Even though I had no evidence of this at all). In the practice of medicine, we call this "malingering," and I'd convinced myself that others thought I was doing just that. Because of this fear, I tended to avoid large groups of people and certain environments. And if I found myself in such a situation, I was usually quiet and stayed to myself.
By reading the verbiage in the above paragraphs, you can get an idea of where my faulty mindset was coming from. I was way too focused on myself. I was too concerned about how others viewed me. But God began changing my heart and this changed everything about me. A new heart changed my priorities and my perspective.
The more I learned about Jesus and his gospel, the more my focus changed to him. The change hasn't been immediate, nor will it ever be complete. It will be daily. It will be continuous. And it will have its ups and downs.
But I hope and I strive to focus more and more on Jesus every day. Because he is where I find my true identity and my true purpose. He is where I can find my absolute confidence!
